Amusing English # 27 - Punctuation is Everything

The Society for Editors and Proofreaders (SfEP), in association with the BBC News website Magazine, challenged readers to write a thank you letter with two meanings.. Just use the same words - or words that sound the same - but change the punctuation. It's harder than you think!

Here are some of the entries received:

Letter - 1 

Dear Mother,

In law, there is nothing to make me say thank you, but the quality of your gifts compels me at least to write to tell you how I feel. Thank you so much for the presents! I was expecting nothing more than a token yet, again, you have exceeded even your own incredible standards.

It was a shame you had to stay here for such a short time. I thought I might have coped, but it was unbearable seeing you leave. The relief was immense when I heard we might see you again soon. I wanted to end it all by saying goodbye now. I hope I will not have to say it to you again for a long time. If you have the opportunity to spend Christmas elsewhere next year, please do not.

Much love

Matthew 

Dear Mother-in-Law,

There is nothing to make me say thank you, but the quality of your gifts compels me at least to write to tell you how I feel. Thank you? So much for the presents I was expecting. Nothing more than a token, yet again! You have exceeded even your own incredible standards.

It was a shame you had to stay here. For such a short time, I thought I might have coped, but it was unbearable. Seeing you leave, the relief was immense. When I heard we might see you again soon, I wanted to end it all. By saying goodbye now, I hope I will not have to say it to you again for a long time. If you have the opportunity to spend Christmas elsewhere next year, please do.

Not much love

Matthew 

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Letter 2 

 

Dear Mandy,

Just a quick note to say I received your gift - I was very surprised! When I saw the effort you had gone to I nearly cried. When I heard that you were coming for our roast turkey lunch I looked forward to the Christmas day celebration far more. Disdaining others no doubt spending the festive season feeling drunk, with joy we sang the classic yuletide carols. However, the horror on the streets tonight - revellers ignore the message of Christmas and down pints instead - I wish I could be there to help them.

Clair.

Dear Mandy,

Just a quick note to say I received your gift - I was very surprised when I saw the effort you had gone to. I nearly cried when I heard that you were coming for our roast turkey lunch. I looked forward to a Christmas day celebration far more disdaining. Others no doubt spending the festive season feeling drunk with joy - we sang the classic yuletide carols, however. The horror. On the streets tonight revellers ignore the message of Christmas and down pints instead. I wish I could be there to help them.

Clair

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Letter 3

 

Dear Santa,

You really made my year! When I heard you had fallen from your sleigh, I was sad. To see such wonderful gifts lined up under my Christmas tree, my eyes lit up. When I unwrapped your gifts I knew that the spirit of Christmas was still alive. It was terrible hearing about your accident. The best piece of news all year is your safe return. Things yet to come, you say! Christmas is a time to love and share, I disagree with Scrooges. Everywhere Christmas is slowly fading. Thanks for making it so fantastic.

Matt

Dear Santa,

You really made my year when I heard you had fallen from your sleigh! I was sad to see such wonderful gifts lined up under my Christmas tree. My eyes lit up when I unwrapped your gifts. I knew the spirit of Christmas was still alive - it was terrible. Hearing about your accident? The best piece of news all year. Is your safe return a sign of things yet to come? You say Christmas is a time to love and share, I disagree. With Scrooges everywhere, Christmas is slowly fading. Thanks for making it so. Fantastic.

Matt. 

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Letter - 4 

Dear Auntie Maude,

I was amazed to receive yet again the perfumed soap you've compelled me to appreciate for three straight Christmases! That my family had suffered due to my body odour, I felt such delight. I took the soap to the bathroom. I normally enter only once each July, not that I wish to. Wash? Never! Could a mere gift change that? No! Your stubbornness fuelled my resolve. To drive my body to the soapy unknown, my family have sued me for cruelty, and threatened random hose attacks. I cannot allow that water and skin should meet.

With dignity intact! 

Rob

Dear Auntie Maude,

I was amazed to receive yet again the perfumed soap. You've compelled me to appreciate, for three straight Christmases, that my family had suffered due to my body odour. I felt such delight, I took the soap to the bathroom I normally enter only once each July! Not that I wish to wash. Never could a mere gift change that. No, your stubbornness fuelled my resolve to drive my body to the soapy unknown. My family have sued me for cruelty, and threatened random hose attacks. I will not allow that. Water and skin should meet with dignity intact.

Rob

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Letter 5 

Dear Aunt Agatha,

Sorry it has taken me so long to write telling you how much I liked your Christmas present this year, only I didn't have the time. To take it back and get another would be out of the question! I suppose for you to be so kind shouldn't come as a surprise after what you bought me last year. It was splendid! News about Uncle Brian? Dying to see you again in the New Year. Would be awful to lose touch.

Mark

Dear Aunt Agatha,

Sorry it has taken me so long to write telling you how much I liked your Christmas present this year, only I didn't. Have the time to take it back and get another? Would be out of the question, I suppose, for you to be so kind. Shouldn't come as a surprise after what you bought me last year. It was splendid news about Uncle Brian dying. To see you again in the New Year would be awful.

To lose touch,

Mark

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Letter 6  

 

Dear Aunty Grace,

What a surprise to receive a nice gift from you when I had not sent you my new address. I had thought you would not be able to send a present this year.
Wasting good money at this time of year, it is common for people to send presents that are far too big, like those giant toy clowns.
You always insist on sending me great presents, like this year's. Our incredible walks on Xmas day were particularly fun this year. Without you too much food and drink was consumed in haste.

Rebecca

Dear Aunty Grace,

What a surprise! To receive a nice gift from you! When I had not sent you my new address I had thought you would not be able to send a present this year - wasting good money. At this time of year it is common for people to send presents that are far too big, like those giant toy clowns you always insist on sending me. Great presents like this year's are incredible! Walks on Xmas day were particularly fun this year without you. Too much food and drink was consumed.

In haste,

Rebecca
 

 

Punctuation is everything!

Cheers!