Amusing English # 19 - Telegrams

TELEGRAM #1

A blonde a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd. The brunette takes their life savings of $600 and goes to Texas to buy a bull. 

She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull. “It’s the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it.” She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, “I’d like to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says: "Have found the stud bull for our ranch. Bring the trailer.”

The man behind the counter tells her, “Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are 75 cents per word.”

She thinks about it for a moment and decides. “I’d like to send one word, please.”
“And what word would that be?” inquires the man.

“Comfortable,” replies the brunette.

The man asks, “I’m sorry miss, but how is your friend gonna understand this telegram?”

The brunette replies, “My friend is blonde and reads REAL slow. When she gets this, she will see COM-FOR-DA-BULL.”

TELEGRAM #2

A husband, while he is on a business trip to a hill station sends a telegram to his wife: "I wish you were here."

The message received by wife: 

"I wish you were her."

TELEGRAM #3

A wife with near maturing pregnancy goes to railway station to return to her husband. At the reservation counter, while her turn came, it was the last ticket. Taking pity on a very old lady next to her in the queue,she offered her berth to the old lady and sent a telegram to her husband which reached as:

"Shall be coming tomorrow, heavy rush in the train, gave birth to an old lady."

TELEGRAM #4

A man from Agra went to Ajmer . His wife was in her parent's house in Delhi .

When the man went to Ajmer , he asked his servant to send a telegram to his wife indicating about his trip to Ajmer .He sent a telegram. When the wife received the telegram, she fainted.

It was written:

'Sethji aaj mar gaye! (Sethji Ajmer gaye).

Cheers! 

Amusing English # 18 - Plurals

We’ll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice,

And if Father is Pop, how come Mother’s not Mop?

If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn’t the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
 

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn’t the plural of booth be called beeth?

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
 

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let’s face it – English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France.
 

We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, 

And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, 

Grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?
 

Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
 

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same?
 

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
in which your house can burn up as it burns down,
in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and
in which an alarm goes off by going on.

And in closing, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this poem, I end it?

Cheers!

Amusing English # 17 - Tongue Twisters

We have all attempted to try out a tricky tongue twister at least once in our life time. Tongue twisters are verbal challenges that are bound to make one laugh. Tongue twisters are phrases based on alliteration. The phrases are formed in such a way that one is bound to have more than a slip of tongue. Tongue twisters are usually used to have some lighthearted fun and break the ice within a group. The following are a few funny tongue twisters in the English language that are bound to spread a lot of laughter around when recited aloud.

She sells sea shells on the sea shore !
If two witches were watching two watches, which witch would watch which watch?
Sounding by sound is a sound method of sounding sounds.
I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.
I thought a thought. But the thought I thought wasn't the thought I thought I thought. If the thought I thought I thought had been the thought I thought, I wouldn't have thought so much.

Fresh fried fish, Fish fresh fried, Fried fish fresh, Fish fried fresh.

R ed Leather, Yellow Leather.
Red Leather, Yellow Leather.
Red Leather, Yellow Leather.

B etty Botter bought some butter, but she said "this butter’s bitter! But a bit of better butter will but make my butter better" So she bought some better butter, better than the bitter butter, and it made her butter better so ’twas better Betty Botter bought a bit of better butter!
 
A Tudor who tooted a flute
Tried to tutor two tooters to toot.
Said the two to their tutor,
Is it harder to toot;
Or to tutor two tooters to toot.

A flea and a fly flew up in a flue.
Said the flea, "Let us fly!"
Said the fly, "Let us flee!"
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.

Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don't eat with your mouth full!

Cheers!

Amusing English # 16 - Palindromes

Palindromes are words, phrases or number sequences that read the same way in both directions, left-to-right, and right-to-left.  Palindrome derives from the Greek for ‘running back again’. Both the Greeks and Romans are known to have enjoyed palindromes. The Greeks also published palindromic poetry. 

Single Word Palindromes
Some single word palindromes are: level, racecar, rotator, pip, radar, nun, mom, toot, deed, civic, eye, pop, malayalam, madam

Phrase Palindromes
A phrase that is palandomic is “never odd or even.” Read this phrase right-to-left, rearranging the spaces. Two other examples are “a Toyota,” and “Was it a rat I saw?”

Number Palindromes
Some example of palindromic numbers are: 55, 484, 3003, 29592

Isn't this interesting? Do your research for more Palindromes…

Cheers!

  

Amusing English # 15 - Scrabbles

Check out these deadly Scrabbles.  Someone out there is really good at them, or has too much time on their hands.

DILIP VENGSARKAR
When you rearrange the letters:
SPARKLING DRIVE

PRINCESS DIANA
When you rearrange the letters:
END IS A CAR SPIN

MONICA LEWINSKY
When you rearrange the letters:
NICE SILKY WOMAN

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

EVANGELIST

When you rearrange the letters:

EVIL'S AGENT

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:

When you rearrange the letters:

TWELVE PLUS ONE 

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:

When you rearrange the letters (with no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

Cheers!

Amusing English # 14 - Indianism's in English Language

This is not an attempt to fix all the grammatical expressions in common Indian English. These samples are just to illustrate our typical style of English conversations. Let us try to correct them atleast now.

‘Years back’ is one among them. ‘Years back’ expression is used to mean that 'a thing that happened years ago'. If it happened in the past, it happened years ago, not "years back." Given how common this phrase is, may be the first person who switched "ago" for "back" probably did it years back. Got it?

‘Passing Out’ is another hilarious Indian English phrase used by Indians. People use it in the sense that a person has completed the studies from an educational institution. We can say one graduated from the institute. When you complete your studies at an educational institution, you graduate from that institution.  To “pass out’ refers to losing consciousness, like after you get too drunk!

‘Discuss about’, another great mistake committed by us. You don't "discuss about" something; you just discuss things. The word "discuss" means to "talk about". There is no reason to insert the word "about" after "discuss."  

'Kindly revert' is also a mistake usually committed to mean reply or respond. But the actual meaning of revert means that “to return to the former condition or practice”. Thinking of the actual meaning we can find that what a blunder is to say things like, “Please revert at the latest.”

‘Doing the needful’ is a style that has become outdated decades ago, the time the British left. “Do the needful" is an archaic expression that is used humorously which denotes that to 'do things which is necessary'.

‘Do one thing’ is also an expression which doesn’t make any sense. When someone approaches you with a query, and your reply begins with the phrase "do one thing," you're doing it wrong.   This Indianism is not at all a proper English word and hence it is better to avoid while speaking. There are better ways to begin a reply. And worst of all, any person who starts a sentence with "do one thing" invariably ends up giving you at least five things to do.

Sample - “ My computer keeps getting hung.”

“Do one thing. Clear your history. Delete your cookies. Run a virus check. Restart your computer... .” 

'Out of station', another funny expression used by Indians to say that “I’m away from home.” Another blast from the past, this one, and also, extremely outdated.  What's wrong with "out of town" or "not in Mumbai" or "I'm not here"? 

'Order for’ is an Indian phrasal usage extremely wrong in proper English.  We usually say, “Let’s order for a tea.” The best thing one can do is that when one needs something, “order” it, try not to “order for” it.

‘Prepone’ is used by Indians in the sense that to advance something. It might be used in an assumption that the opposite of postpone is prepone. We say, “Let’s prepone the discussion from 1pm to 11pm.”  We can actually say “Could we bring the meeting forward."

The big sleep

"I’m going to bed now, sleep is coming." This is really taking things a bit too far…! Don’t you think?

Taking things

"I will call you back later as I am taking my lunch right now."

Taking it where? To the pool for a swim?  

Just like "take rest."  

Really. "Take rest." Instead of just "rest." Why?

It seems that we just love to take things. Where do we put them?

Putting this and that

"Put on the switch", "Put this yellow dress."

We just love using the word "put." It’s a great so-called filler verb to shorten sentences.

"Switch on/turn on the light" or "wear/put on this yellow dress” are all correct.

No idea how "put" came into the picture.  

Cheers!

Amusing English # 13 - Funny Newspaper Ads (Part 2/2)

More amusing newspaper ads....

• For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
• Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
• We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
• Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
• 3-year-old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
• Mother's helper--peasant working conditions.
• We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

:)

Cheers!

Amusing English # 12 - Funny Newspaper Ads (Part 1/2)

There are often more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find in the cartoons and comic strips. Here are some samples....


FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.

8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES...
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat ... Been out a while.
Better be a reward.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE.
Call Stephanie.

AND THE BEST ONE:

FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got
married last month. Wife knows everything. 

:)

Cheers!

Amusing English # 11 - Leave letters

 Some amusing leave letters....

---

 An employee in a software company applied for leave as follows:
"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave."

---

From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son.
"as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."

---

Another one from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:
"as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."

---

From H.A.L. Administration Dept:
"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."

---

 Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"

---

An incident of a leave letter
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday."

---

A leave letter to the headmaster
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"

---

Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."

---

 Another leave letter application

 "My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

---

:-)

Cheers!

 

   

Amusing English # 10 - Letter to God

Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.

"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did.

Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year and write a letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.

LETTER 1:
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend, Leroy

Leroy knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:
Dear God,
This is your friend Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Leroy

Leroy knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:
Dear God,
I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.
Leroy

Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either .

Leroy was very upset.He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go church. Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked because Leroy looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.

Leroy walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.Leroy began to write his letter to God.

LETTER 5:
I'VE GOT YOUR MOM. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed
YOU KNOW WHO

:)

Cheers

Amusing English # 9 - Notices (Part 3/3)

Amusing English notices (contd...)

In a Swiss mountain inn
Special today - No Ice-Cream 

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen
We take your bags and send them in all directions 

In a Tokyo Hotel

Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In a Leipzig elevator

Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator

To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator

Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens

Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Rhodes tailor shop

Order your summers suit. Because in big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

:-)

Cheers!

Amusing English # 8 - Notices (Part 2/3)

Amusing English notices (contd...)

Hotel brochure, Italy
THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.

Hotel lobby, Romania
THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.

 

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

Taken from a menu, Poland
SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION.

Supermarket, Hong Kong
FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.

 

In an East African newspaper
A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.

Hotel, Vienna
IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.

An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.

Tourist agency, former Czechoslovakia
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong
GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE. 

:-)

(contd...)

Amusing English # 7 - Notices (Part 1/3)

Here are some genuine examples of imperfect, but amusing English found around the world.

At a Budapest zoo
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

 

Cocktail lounge, Norway
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Hotel, Acapulco
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.

Car rental brochure, Tokyo
WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR.

 

In a Nairobi restaurant
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the grounds of a private school
NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.

In a City restaurant
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.

In a Indian maternity ward
NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.

In a cemetery
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES. 

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

:-)

(contd...)

 

Amusing English # 6 - Matrimonial Ads

I bet you can't stop laughing after reading this. These are actual ads on a matrimony site. (I'm skipping the name...) Grammar and spelling errors have no place in a profile description as everything is straight from the heart .  

===============================================================

Hello To Viewers My Name is Sowmya , I am single i dont have male,I f any one whant to marrie to me u can visite to my home. I am not a good education but i working all field in bangalore .. if u like me u welcome to my heart... when ever u whant to meet pls visit my resident or send u letter..
Thanks
yours Regards Sowmya
(Truly yours)

 
===============================================================

i want very simple boy. from brahmin educated family from Orissa state she is also know about RAMAYAN, GEETA BHAGABATA, and other homework

What Homework???
===============================================================

I am a happy-go-lucky kind of person. Enjoys every moments of life. I love to make friendship. Becauese friendship is a first step of love. I am looking for my dreamboy who will love me more than i. Because i love myself a lot. If u think that is u then why to late come on........hold my hand forever !!!

(The dilwale dulhaniya effect)
===============================================================

i am simple girl. I have lot of problem in my life because of my luck. now i am looking one boy he care me and love me lot lot lot

(Lot lot...??)
===============================================================

i want a boy with no drinks if he wants he can wear jeans in house but while steping out of house he should give recpect to our cast

(by not wearing his jeans? What the hell...)
===============================================================

HYE I AM A GOOD LOKING GIRL,WHO HAS THE CAPABILITY TO MAKE ANY BODY TO
LOUGH.I BELIEVE IN GOD AND ACCORDING TO ME FRIENDS ARE THE REAL
MESSENGER OF GOD. THE 3 THINGS I AM LOOKING FROM A BOY
THEY ARE
1. THEY MUST BELIEVE IN GOD.
2. THEY HAVE TO LIKE MY PROFFESION
3. THEY SHOULD NOT GET BORED WITH ME WHEN I WILL TRY TO MAKE THEM LOUGH.

(all of us are loughing {laughing})
================================================================

whatever he may be but he should feel that he is going to be someone groom and he must think of the future life if he is toolike this he would be called the man of the lamp

(She want's a lamp...?)

================================================================

 
i love my patner i marriage the patner ok i search my patner and I love the patner ok thik hai the patner has a graduate ok

(The person seems to be suffering from 'Ok-syndrome' )
================================================================

iam pranati my family histoy my two brother two sister and father & Mother. sister completely married

(somebody please explain how to get married completely'? )
 
================================================================

my name is farhanbegum and i am unmarried. pleaes you marrige me pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes

(Height of desperation! )
================================================================

iam kanandevi. i do own businas.one sistar. he was marred.

(No comments)
 
================================================================
 
I am Sharmila my colour is black, but my heart is white. i like social service.

(Zebra..???)
 
================================================================
Wants a woman who knows me better and can adjust with me forever. she may never create any difficulties in my life or her life by which the entire life can run smoothly. thank you

(The principle of running life smoothly was never so easy!)

 
================================================================
she should be good looking and should have a service. she Should have one brother and one sister. she should be educated.

(ain't it unique !! 1 brother 1 sister criteria !)
================================================================

iam very simpel and hanest. i have three sister one brother and parent. iam doing postal sarvice and tailor master my original resdence at kalahandi diste naw iam staing at rayagada dist.

(actually what is this guy doing? Postal service or tailor.??)

=================================================================
 
Iwant one girl who love me or my mother. she love me heartly or she havea frank she's skin colour 'normal'not a black or not a whitey. IThink the main think is heart if your heart is beautiful then you are beautiful. but iam not a handsome guy or not a good looking. but my Mom say that
Iam a good guy. My father already expired . THE CHOICE IS YOUR. bye bye.

(uttama purushan)

=================================================================
i'm looking out for who lives in bombay , girl simple who trust me lot
should be roman catholic, LOVE ME ONLY.

(Now that criterion is a must, isn't it?)

=============================================================

to be married on jan-2006. working woman perferable

(this guy has fixed the marriage date too! )

===============================================================
i would like a beautyfull girl. and i do not want her any treasure. because girl is the maharani.

(Now she is going to be a lucky girl! Any takers?)

===============================================================
 
 :-)

Cheers!

Amusing English # 5 - Cover Letters

The following quotations were taken from cover letters. It is unfortunate that such mistakes slip through to the final draft, and make exactly the wrong impression on exactly the wrong people. 

• "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"
• "Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume."
• "I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt."
• "Please disregard the attached resume -- it is terribly out of date."
• "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
• "Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity."
• "If this resume doesn't blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope."
• "My fortune cookie said, 'Your next interview will result in a job' -- and I like your company in particular."
• "You hold in your hands the resume of a truly outstanding candidate!"
• "I am sicking and entry-level position."
• "Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."
• "I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated."
• "I am relatively intelligent, obedient, and as loyal as a puppy."
• "Note: Keep this resume on top of the stack. Use all the others to heat your house."
• "I don't usually blow my own horn, but in this case, I will go right ahead and do so."
• "I need just enough money to have pizza every night."
• "My compensation should be at least equal to my age."
• "I'm submitting my resume to spite my lack of C++ and HTML experience."
• "My primary goal is to be recognized."
• "Below are the top 10 reasons to hire me."
• "I am superior to anyone else you could hire."
• "I vow to fulfill the goals of the company as long as I live."
• "Although I am seeking an accounting job, the fact that I have no actual experience in accounting may seem discouraging. However..."
• "I realize that my total lack of appropriate experience may concern those considering me for employment."
• "I worked here full-time there."
• "I'll starve without a job but don't feel you have to give me one."
• "You are privileged to receive my resume

  Cheers!

Amusing English # 4 - Resume Writing

People write the strangest things on their resumes, sometimes downright hysterical. Why should only recruiting managers get to laugh at these? Enjoy!

1. "I have a graduate degree in unclear physics."
2. "My hobbies include raising long-eared rabbis as pets."
3. “Career break in 1999 to renovate my horse”
4. “1990 – 1997: Stewardess – Royal Air Force”
5. Hobbies: “enjoy cooking Chinese and Italians”
6. “Service for old man to check they are still alive or not.”
7. Cleaning skills: “bleaching, pot washing, window cleaning, mopping, e.t.c”
8. “Job involved…counselling clientele on accidental insurance policies available”
9. “2001 summer voluntary work for taking care of the elderly and vegetable people”
10. “I’m interested to here more about that. I’m working today in a furniture factory as a drawer”
11. “I am about to enroll on a Business and Finance Degree with the Open University. I feel that this qualification will prove detrimental to me for future success.”
12. “Time is very valuable and it should be always used to achieve optimum results and I believe it should not be played around with”
13. "My last job was as a plumbing and hating specialists."
14. "I worked for 6 years as an uninformed security guard."
15. “I believe that weakness is the first level of strength, given the right attitude and driving force. My school advised me to fix my punctuality.
16. “This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ‘ Typist and an Accountant – Male or Female’… As I am both (!!) for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.

Cheers!

Amusing English # 3 - By an Educationist (Part 3/3)

Amusing English by Educationist (contd...)

• When the students were on a strike inside the college,  someone hit him with a pen… he then said… “I court order strictly follow. You kill I?”
• All standing under the tree whos whos class whos whos go
• Boy Boy talk… Girl Girl talk… No boy girl talk… If talk punish Boy – very famous one!
• Boy boy talk no problem… Girl girl talk no problem… Boy girl talk everything problem!
• His speech about Kargil widows: “All brothers standing border… shooting, dying… child asking mummy… “Mummy, where is daddy”… Daddy coming body! Saying this he wiped his tears…
• Once he saw a student wearing a cap and said “In campus, cap no use”
• These were the words he spoke on a Teacher’s day… on every Teacher’s day – “A doctor cannot make a doctor; A lawyer cannot make a layer; Engineer cannot make engineer; A teacher can maker doctor, lawyer, engineer, teacher”

:-)

Cheers!

Amusing English # 2 - By an Educationist (Part 2/3)

Amusing English from the Educationist  (contd...)

At his best inside the Classroom

Open the doors of the window. Let the atmosphere come in.
Open the doors of the window. Let the air force come in.
Cut an apple into two halves - I will take the bigger half.

Shh.. quiet boys.. the principal just passed away in the corridor
You, meet me behind the class (meaning after the class)

This one is cool - Both of you three get out of the class!
Close the doors of the windows please. I have winter in my nose today....
Take Copper wire of any metal, especially Silver...
Take 5 cm wire of any length... 

At College 

This college strict you the worry no....you get good marks, I the happy, tomorrow you get good job, I am happy, tomorrow you marry I the enjoy" (?)

No ragging this college. Anybody rag we arrest the police.

About his family :

I have two daughters. Both of them are girls...(?)

More...

Once he had come late to a college function, and by the time he arrived, the function had begun,. So he went to the dais, and said, sorry I am late, because on the way my car hit 2 muttons (meaning goats!!).

:-)

(contd...) 

Amusing English # 1 - By an Educationist (Part 1/3)

Thought I will take a break from the moral lessons and stories and talk about some amusing English grammar mistakes that people make. My intention is to give you some entertainment only and not offend anyone in particular. Here goes the first one!

There is this educationist in Chennai who is very popular for this excellent :-) English skills. When I read them from time to time, I honestly thought that they were all exaggerated because someone simply cannot talk like this! But, some of my friends swore that they were all true and these were collated by his own students. Anyway, whether this is true or all cooked up, this gentleman has given me some pure entertainment on the net!.

Here are samples of his English during his interactions with students in his colleges.  You will enjoy these more if you know a bit of the Tamil language as well.

 

At the playground

All of you stand in a straight circle
There is no wind in the balloon.
The girl with the mirror please come here...(meaning, girl with spectacles, please come here).

To a boy, angrily
I talk, he talk, why you middle middle talk?

While punishing students
You, rotate the ground four times...
You, go and understand the tree...
You three of you stand together separately.
Why are you late - say YES or NO .....(?)

At his best

He once went to a movie with his wife, and happened to see one of his students at the theatre though the boy did not notice them.
 

The next day at college, he said  (to that boy) - "Yesterday I saw you with my wife at the cinema theatre"  ...(?)

:)

(contd...)